


Fear and Numbness

by Annide



Series: 1998, or the year everything changed [11]
Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Cutting, Gen, Post-Battle of Hogwarts, Self-Harm
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-03-21
Updated: 2018-03-21
Packaged: 2019-04-05 08:32:16
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,571
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/14040294
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Annide/pseuds/Annide
Summary: Susan Bones' story: Not everyone can be a hero, not everyone can stand up for what they believe in and fight, even though everyone likes to believe they could.We generally hear stories of the heroes and the villains, but other people who lived through the battle can be just as affected by the events. Sometimes they have a story too.





	Fear and Numbness

**Author's Note:**

> Warning: the cutting isn't referenced, it is described clearly in a way that could be triggering to some people, be advised

                We all like to think that once something bad will be upon us, we'll step up and do what needs to be done. We all like to let ourselves believe we'd do well in battle, that we're that kind of strong. However, sometimes our strength lies in survival. Sometimes, when it comes down to it, we will not do what's best for everyone, what needs to be done. Sometimes, instead of fighting, we will hide. Hide to survive, hide because we have no idea what to do or how to help, hide because we froze. We want to think we can take part in the battle and be useful, but we can't predict how we'll react when push comes to shove. We all wish we could be heroes. We all want to be one of the people who save the day, or even one of those who die in battle giving their life to save others. But not everyone can be like that. I wasn't. I thought I would be, I thought I could make a difference, but as it turns out, I didn't.

                Everyone remembers Harry Potter coming back from the dead to end You-Know-Who's life, Neville Longbottom slaying the snake, and all the ones who perished. No one will remember me, nor should they. I didn't do anything of significance, or in fact anything at all. I was a member of Dumbledore's Army, we trained to be ready to fight, my whole family has fought You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters before, many even giving their lives in the process, and I stayed for the Battle of Hogwarts fully intending on giving everything in me to help our side to victory, and yet.

                When Harry, Ron and Hermione came in the Room of Requirement behind Neville, my heart started beating faster in excitement. They were back, it meant we would fight once and for all and finally end this war. I was ready, it was what we'd been working towards all year.

                However, when the Battle started, I froze. Everyone seemed to know what to do, where to go, how to help. I had no idea where to start. I followed everyone else out of the Great Hall, but they dispersed so fast and I didn't know which direction to take. I looked around for Hannah and Ernie, but I couldn't find them. I wish Justin could've been there, but I knew he had been sent to Azkaban by the Muggle-Born Registration Commission after Snatchers forced him to attend a hearing at the Ministry. At this moment, the only thing I knew for sure was that all my friends were doing what they needed to do and I was just standing there, unhelpful.

                As the grounds and the Entrance Hall appeared covered, with a lot of people in action around, I decided to walk up the stairs. I wandered around, looking for other people. I wanted to help, I really did. You-Know-Who and his Death Eaters killed my entire family, most recently of all, my aunt Amelia. After a while, I finally ran into one of the Death Eaters. He sent a curse toward me, but I managed to block it then stun him. I walked in the direction he came from and ended up right back to the marble staircase. No one really paid attention to me, I cast a spell here and there, but somehow didn't get pulled into any duel.

                "Susan! Oh, I'm so happy you're alright," Hannah called to me when the Battle temporarily stopped and everyone went back to the Great Hall.

                "Hannah! Where's Ernie?"

                "He's fine, he's helping to bring in the injured and dead. Would you mind giving me a hand healing some of these people?"

                I stayed with Hannah, casting spells to heal anybody who needed it, getting Madam Pomfrey's help whenever injuries went beyond our abilities to do anything. For the first time that night, I felt useful, I felt like I had a purpose. However, it didn't last. Soon, You-Know-Who came back claiming Harry Potter had died and the Battle started again.

                I couldn't move. All I could think about was all these dead bodies inside the Great Hall. I had lost everyone already, my whole family was killed for standing up to You-Know-Who. Ernie and Hannah were all I had left. I was terrified something would happen to them, that I would lose them too, that I would end up truly and entirely alone. I was paralyzed and I was in the way. I took refuge in the Hufflepuff common room, falling to my knees as I got inside, sobbing in fear. I had never been more afraid in my life.

                It took a while for me to put myself together again. By the time I did, the Battle had ended and we had won. Or more accurately, those fighting for our side had won. I hadn't exactly made a contribution to help achieve this victory. I entered the Great Hall to find a great many people, exhausted, mourning for their loved ones. I saw Hannah, still helping Madam Pomfrey heal the injured. I saw Ernie, sitting with other members of the D.A., looking like he had a rough night, but still alive. I saw the good and the bad. I knew my friends had made it through and everything would be fine now. And yet, I didn't feel anything. Not joy, not sadness, not relief, not fear. Nothing at all.

                I kept feeling nothing for the weeks following the end of the war. I went to funerals where I was surrounded by grieving people, sometimes crying, but I felt nothing. I was numb. Nothing could trigger an emotion anymore. Like I was just standing there, alive, but not really there.

                I tried many things to change that. I went to every funeral, I spent time with Justin who was just so happy to be out of Azkaban, I moved to Hogwarts to help rebuild so I would be surrounded by all the memories of the past years. Nothing worked. Halfway through June, I had sex with Neville Longbottom, just to try and feel something. And while the sex itself was amazing, no idea where Neville got such skills, I still didn't feel anything.

                It was unbearable. All I wanted was to feel something, anything. I saw people hurting, sad or angry, because of losses they'd suffered during the war and I envied them. I wished to be happy again, sure, but even pain would be better than this. This numbness that wouldn't go away. This absence of interest in everything. I just wanted to make it stop. July started and there was still no change. I was desperate to feel something, anything.

                Which is when I picked up the blade.

                The metal felt cold against my skin. As I cut through it and the wounds hurt, the numbness didn't bother me as much. It felt like I had been trapped, barely breathing, like the emotions suppressed by numbness could finally get out. I watched the blood on my arm for a few minutes. Finally, I was feeling something. It didn't last long, but for a few minutes every day, I could make the numbness disappear.

                I was worried at first of what Ernie and Hannah would think of my long sleeves in the middle of summer, but they seemed to buy my story that I was cold. Maybe they had problems of their own on their mind. It was only in September that someone noticed the scars. I was spending the weekend with Hannah and forgot to bring a long-sleeved pyjama. I tried to hold my arm against me to hide the cuts, but Hannah saw them anyway. She was shocked. Sadness and worry filled her face as tears did the same with her eyes. I didn't know what to say. How was I to explain any of this?

                "Oh Susan," Hannah said as she took me in her arms. The hug felt nice and safe. I couldn't stop sobs from coming out of me. Hannah didn't let go. We stood there for a while, me crying, Hannah holding me. I don't know how long it lasted, but it was freeing. I hadn't cried like this since the Battle, and it felt like emotions were coming back to me. I was feeling something, I was feeling a surplus of things that were now all coming out at once, as if they'd been locked inside me all this time, waiting. And Hannah was there to comfort me, to support me, without even asking any question. She didn't need to know what was going on, she would of course listen if I decided to tell her, but she would be here for me one way or the other.

                Ever since that weekend, I've been feeling better. I still feel slightly numb and I don't have as many and as strong emotions as I used to before, but I get sad sometimes, and I laugh sometimes, and I get angry sometimes. I've been trying to stop cutting, but self-harm is much harder to quit than I thought. I made it almost three weeks back in October, then succumbed to it again. But I'm not giving up. I'll keep trying and I have hope that one day, all that will be left of it will be faded scars. And I'll survive.


End file.
